Here’s Where She Meets Prince Charming… But She Won’t Discover That it’s Him ’til Chapter Three…

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Look there she goes, the girl that’s strange but special.
A most peculiar mademoiselle.
It’s a pity and a sin, she doesn’t quite fit in…

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There Was Nothing Missing on the Day I Died…

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I have never felt like this before.
Felt my body sinking to the grassy floor…
No, I have never known a love like this.
Felt the flaming arrows of the Hunter’s Kiss…

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How Do You Feel So Empty… You Want to Let it All Go?

How do you get that lonely? How do you hurt that bad? 
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had? 
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go? 
How do you get that lonely… and nobody know?

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She’s Like the Wind…

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She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun. 
She’s taken my heart, 
but she doesn’t know what she’s done.

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Do You Know How Hard I’ve Tried to Become What You Want Me to Be?

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Take me
This is all that I’ve got
This is all that I’m not
All that I’ll ever be
I’ve got flaws, I’ve got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn’t matter who you are
We all have our scars

Well… It’s been an interesting couple of days to say the least. I feel like I start so many posts like this. I feel like I wish life was a little less interesting, even if for just a couple days. Something good happened. I got accepted to blog for [[Genre]], which is another one of those amazing blogging things that I get to cross off of my Second Life blogging bucket list. I think I may have found a new favorite pair of boots. I guess that’s a good thing, too. It’s just that after I got that coveted acceptance card, I got a phone call, and things really went down hill from there.

Friday night, my Father had a heart attack. Friday night, my Mother called me and asked me where I was, and if I was sitting down, and if someone was there with me, and then she told me that my Father had a heart attack.

Don’t worry. He’s going to be okay. He’ll be out of the hospital by Monday at the latest. The weird thing is, when my Mom told me that he’d had a heart attack, I wasn’t upset. Not for me, anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense, and I don’t want to make myself sound like a monster, but really, when she told me that he’d had a heart attack, I asked the customary, “Is he alright?” question, and I found myself not only fully prepared for it if he wasn’t, but already well past the ‘acceptance’ stage in the grief process.

I’m not a soulless monster. I promise. I’m just having trouble, as the oldest child of six, reconciling the fact that I have no relationship with this man I call Father. It was like hearing that a stranger had a heart attack. My Father has wanted nothing to do with me for well over a decade-and-a-half of my life. I’ve spent the last 24 hours on the phone playing therapist for my agoraphobic stepmother and my little brothers and sisters, listening to them talk about what a great man they think he is and smiling and nodding and telling them that they’ll be fine, that he’ll be fine, that the doctors said so, that they have nothing to worry about… And I don’t even know the man they’re talking about. It’s like it’s a completely different person.

And that makes me kind of sad.

But I digress. Let’s make a long story short and focus on the fashion, because sometimes Second Life is the only fun I have in either life, and this weekend is clearly one of those.

 

When I get upset like this, I find that keeping my hands busy helps me keep myself together, so I found myself looking through some of the previews from the upcoming [[Genre]] round, and I found these awesome boots from Wicca’s Wardrobe, and they made me smile, and I don’t think I’ve smiled since we got the news about my Dad. They’re absolutely gorgeous.

You may not read this Wicca, but sometimes such small things make a difference in someone’s day, and I don’t know how much I fangirled about these boots to Tivi when I saw them, how many different poses and props I tried out, how many different angles for the photo… It’s been a really bad couple days and here was this Wicca’s Wardrobe box from the upcoming round of [[Genre]], and inside were the fabulous purple (my favorite color!) boots, and all I want to do is prance around Second Life and show them off and take pictures and talk about their fabulousness.

Thank you, oh mighty awesome peeps behind [[Genre]] for giving me the chance to blog for you, and thank you Wicca for your continued epicness, and thank you everyone who actually reads these ramblings, because writing makes me feel better.

I love you all.

But enough about me. Y’all want the details, don’t you?

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Zibska][Billie Lips #5]
[Eyeshadow][Zibska][Arlie Eye Makeup #15]
[Tattoo][[White Widow]][Altar]
[Hair][::Exile::][Nina (Marone)]
[Bathing Suit][Blueberry][Michelle (White)]
[Boots][Wicca’s Wardrobe @ [[GENRE]] August Round][Fleur Boots (Purple and Black)]
[Inspiration Tune][Alison Iraheta – Scars]

Big Girls Cry When Their Hearts are Breaking…

I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

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To say that it’s been an interesting week would be an…understatement if there ever was one. I have had a lot going on, and a lot to reflect on lately, and it’s led me to a few conclusions. I was included in the most recent issue of ECLIPSE, in their “Voices from the Grid” feature, where we were asked how SL has helped us to explore our sexuality. And I gave my answer. And it was short, and to the point… But I made a comment that I think part of the thing about SL is that we form such deep connections with the people behind the avatar. They may be hundreds or thousands of miles away from us, but somehow, they manage to sneak their way into our hearts, and sometimes we don’t even realize it.

And that can be great. It can be amazing. But it can also be devastating.

I’ve been devastated by someone in Second Life. Once when a three year relationship went up in smoke, and thanks to some very ugly lies, my reputation with it. Once, when someone who had known me for years told me that the only reason he wanted me was because he couldn’t have me when the above mentioned person did. And once, fairly recently, when I let my guard down after a year and really just put my “all” into a relationship. Long story short? It didn’t end well. I was called names I won’t dare repeat to the public, essentially told I was worthless, and told that he never wanted to see my face, much less speak to me again. That one, I think, hurt the most because of everything else I’d been through, and because he had me convinced that the things in my past didn’t matter, that he wasn’t like that, and that I was worth so much more than the wounds and insults I’d suffered in my past.

Live and learn, huh?

That’s what I mean. SL can break our hearts and make them swell. The difference is I really did learn from this last experience, but maybe not what you think. I learned that I am strong. I learned that even though he made me cry, his words and actions did not define me. I learned that I really am worth so much more than the wounds of my past…including the ones he inflicted. And right then, I made a decision that I wasn’t going to let those words weigh me down. Because I’m awesome, damn it.

Does that mean I didn’t cry about it?

No. Heck no. I’m not sure how many times I repetitively went over the whole issue with my friend. I even hid the dissolution of the relationship from another friend because she had introduced us, and because he had told me not to tell her “our” business. I suppose that was my last-ditch attempt at showing that I was certainly not the person he had painted me out to be. But I cried. And I talked. And I cried a bit more. And then I began to realize that I am not those things, and that I can’t let these few bad experiences outweigh all the positives. Because I’m awesome. I repeat myself a lot, and I’m emotional. I cry at sad songs, I giggle a lot. I mess up. I try new things. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. But you know what? That’s just even more reason to embrace the fact that I am absolutely fabulous.

I’ll probably get my heart broken again. It happens. But it won’t change me. SL has so many positive experiences… Those will always outweigh those few people on the grid who try to tarnish my shine.

But this is about fashion, right? Wanna know how I managed to look so fabulous?

Of course you do!

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Body][Slink][Slink Physique]
[Tattoo][[White Widow]][Altar – Black – Normal]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Hair][TRUTH Hair][Grecia]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Madrid Solo][The Nudes II – Nude #4]
[Eye Makeup][Madrid Solo][Seductress – Soil Umber]
[Romper][Zibska @ The Secret Affair – July][Pallas Romper]
[Shoes][Slipper Originals @ ReVAMPED (opening 7.28)][Marisol V2]
[Arm Cuff][~Soedara~][Upper Arm Bracelet from “Venustas” outfit]
[Inspiration Tune][Sia – Big Girls Cry]

I Found Myself Dreaming…

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First off, I meant to post this blog literally ages ago, but I’ve been a little ~slow on the uptake lately.

This gown was available at the June round of ReVAMPED, which ends today. It’s the Birdy Gown from {Wynd}. This designer is a good friend of mine, and let me tell you–I want this gown in literally every color it comes in. If you’re curious, check out her store. Awesome color options, and this gown looks fabulous with and without the cape. Just sayin’.

Anyway, the other day, when I was working on this photo, I had been doing a lot of thinking. There have been some things going on in my real life in the last couple weeks that have been both amazing and terrifying. I’m getting ready to have another surgery. Terrifying. An agent is interested in my manuscript. Amazing (and also terrifying).

I’ve also been struggling a lot lately with some of the things that have been happening in the world… Namely the tragedy in Orlando. I am a lesbian, and while I’ve never been to Pulse, my heart bleeds for the victims and their families. I’m not upset because I knew anyone there. I’m upset because things like this still actually happen in our world.

I’m upset because I still can’t understand, and perhaps will never be able to understand, how someone could hate someone else like that.

I’m upset because people are trying to police other people-who they love, what they do in their bedrooms or with their bodies–things that are no one else’s business. I just don’t understand at all.

I saw a Facebook post that explained it well, especially for those of you who don’t seem to understand why the LGBT community is so upset, even though the vast majority of us didn’t know these people, and have never been to that club.

It’s because we all know what it feels like to be afraid. To be afraid to be ourselves, to be open with our own families. We know what it’s like to be constantly checking ourselves when we’re out with our significant others. Are people looking at us? Are we making other people uncomfortable? What kind of looks are they giving us? Should we go to the club tonight? Is it going to be safe?

This club, Pulse, was one of those safe havens. One of those places where everyone is welcome, and encouraged to be themselves… and someone walked in, and they destroyed that, and they destroyed so many lives.

I haven’t dated in years. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Many members of my family still talk to me like they think I’m in a phase. They still send me hurtful messages, post slurs about the gay community. Some of them will never stop doing these things. Some of them have been cut out of my life.

But I was thinking the other day about that, and about what happened at Pulse, and about the outpouring of love and support I have seen from the community. People are planning even MORE pride rallies. Even more events. We want to show these haters that we will not be scared. Love will always conquer hate.

Always.

And when I find that special someone? I’m going to love them, and be proud of who they are and who I am, just like I always have been, no matter how scary it is, and no matter who doesn’t like it. Know why? Because everyone deserves to be happy, and to feel safe, and to be loved.

I don’t know why, but I was taking these photos, and I was listening to this song, and that was all that I could think about.

But since you all are here for the fashion…

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Eyeshadow][Kodaijin Makeup @ ReVAMPED][Yellow Muted]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Hair][Magika][Meadow]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Zibska @ Uber][Nava Lips #2]
[Teeth][PXL][OpenMouth Pro Basic]
[Dress][{Wynd} @ ReVAMPED June (closing today!)][Birdy Gown – Dreamsicle]
[Inspiration Tune][John Legend & Meghan Trainor – Like I’m Gonna Lose You]