Love, If Your Wings are Broken, Borrow Mine ‘Til Yours Can Open, Too…

if your wings are broken.png

 

Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes
in your eyes
And hurt, I know you’re hurting
but so am I…

Continue reading

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Do You Know How Hard I’ve Tried to Become What You Want Me to Be?

wicca boots genre.png

Take me
This is all that I’ve got
This is all that I’m not
All that I’ll ever be
I’ve got flaws, I’ve got faults
Keep searching for your perfect heart
It doesn’t matter who you are
We all have our scars

Well… It’s been an interesting couple of days to say the least. I feel like I start so many posts like this. I feel like I wish life was a little less interesting, even if for just a couple days. Something good happened. I got accepted to blog for [[Genre]], which is another one of those amazing blogging things that I get to cross off of my Second Life blogging bucket list. I think I may have found a new favorite pair of boots. I guess that’s a good thing, too. It’s just that after I got that coveted acceptance card, I got a phone call, and things really went down hill from there.

Friday night, my Father had a heart attack. Friday night, my Mother called me and asked me where I was, and if I was sitting down, and if someone was there with me, and then she told me that my Father had a heart attack.

Don’t worry. He’s going to be okay. He’ll be out of the hospital by Monday at the latest. The weird thing is, when my Mom told me that he’d had a heart attack, I wasn’t upset. Not for me, anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense, and I don’t want to make myself sound like a monster, but really, when she told me that he’d had a heart attack, I asked the customary, “Is he alright?” question, and I found myself not only fully prepared for it if he wasn’t, but already well past the ‘acceptance’ stage in the grief process.

I’m not a soulless monster. I promise. I’m just having trouble, as the oldest child of six, reconciling the fact that I have no relationship with this man I call Father. It was like hearing that a stranger had a heart attack. My Father has wanted nothing to do with me for well over a decade-and-a-half of my life. I’ve spent the last 24 hours on the phone playing therapist for my agoraphobic stepmother and my little brothers and sisters, listening to them talk about what a great man they think he is and smiling and nodding and telling them that they’ll be fine, that he’ll be fine, that the doctors said so, that they have nothing to worry about… And I don’t even know the man they’re talking about. It’s like it’s a completely different person.

And that makes me kind of sad.

But I digress. Let’s make a long story short and focus on the fashion, because sometimes Second Life is the only fun I have in either life, and this weekend is clearly one of those.

 

When I get upset like this, I find that keeping my hands busy helps me keep myself together, so I found myself looking through some of the previews from the upcoming [[Genre]] round, and I found these awesome boots from Wicca’s Wardrobe, and they made me smile, and I don’t think I’ve smiled since we got the news about my Dad. They’re absolutely gorgeous.

You may not read this Wicca, but sometimes such small things make a difference in someone’s day, and I don’t know how much I fangirled about these boots to Tivi when I saw them, how many different poses and props I tried out, how many different angles for the photo… It’s been a really bad couple days and here was this Wicca’s Wardrobe box from the upcoming round of [[Genre]], and inside were the fabulous purple (my favorite color!) boots, and all I want to do is prance around Second Life and show them off and take pictures and talk about their fabulousness.

Thank you, oh mighty awesome peeps behind [[Genre]] for giving me the chance to blog for you, and thank you Wicca for your continued epicness, and thank you everyone who actually reads these ramblings, because writing makes me feel better.

I love you all.

But enough about me. Y’all want the details, don’t you?

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Zibska][Billie Lips #5]
[Eyeshadow][Zibska][Arlie Eye Makeup #15]
[Tattoo][[White Widow]][Altar]
[Hair][::Exile::][Nina (Marone)]
[Bathing Suit][Blueberry][Michelle (White)]
[Boots][Wicca’s Wardrobe @ [[GENRE]] August Round][Fleur Boots (Purple and Black)]
[Inspiration Tune][Alison Iraheta – Scars]

Big Girls Cry When Their Hearts are Breaking…

I may cry, ruining my makeup
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking

blog722
To say that it’s been an interesting week would be an…understatement if there ever was one. I have had a lot going on, and a lot to reflect on lately, and it’s led me to a few conclusions. I was included in the most recent issue of ECLIPSE, in their “Voices from the Grid” feature, where we were asked how SL has helped us to explore our sexuality. And I gave my answer. And it was short, and to the point… But I made a comment that I think part of the thing about SL is that we form such deep connections with the people behind the avatar. They may be hundreds or thousands of miles away from us, but somehow, they manage to sneak their way into our hearts, and sometimes we don’t even realize it.

And that can be great. It can be amazing. But it can also be devastating.

I’ve been devastated by someone in Second Life. Once when a three year relationship went up in smoke, and thanks to some very ugly lies, my reputation with it. Once, when someone who had known me for years told me that the only reason he wanted me was because he couldn’t have me when the above mentioned person did. And once, fairly recently, when I let my guard down after a year and really just put my “all” into a relationship. Long story short? It didn’t end well. I was called names I won’t dare repeat to the public, essentially told I was worthless, and told that he never wanted to see my face, much less speak to me again. That one, I think, hurt the most because of everything else I’d been through, and because he had me convinced that the things in my past didn’t matter, that he wasn’t like that, and that I was worth so much more than the wounds and insults I’d suffered in my past.

Live and learn, huh?

That’s what I mean. SL can break our hearts and make them swell. The difference is I really did learn from this last experience, but maybe not what you think. I learned that I am strong. I learned that even though he made me cry, his words and actions did not define me. I learned that I really am worth so much more than the wounds of my past…including the ones he inflicted. And right then, I made a decision that I wasn’t going to let those words weigh me down. Because I’m awesome, damn it.

Does that mean I didn’t cry about it?

No. Heck no. I’m not sure how many times I repetitively went over the whole issue with my friend. I even hid the dissolution of the relationship from another friend because she had introduced us, and because he had told me not to tell her “our” business. I suppose that was my last-ditch attempt at showing that I was certainly not the person he had painted me out to be. But I cried. And I talked. And I cried a bit more. And then I began to realize that I am not those things, and that I can’t let these few bad experiences outweigh all the positives. Because I’m awesome. I repeat myself a lot, and I’m emotional. I cry at sad songs, I giggle a lot. I mess up. I try new things. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. But you know what? That’s just even more reason to embrace the fact that I am absolutely fabulous.

I’ll probably get my heart broken again. It happens. But it won’t change me. SL has so many positive experiences… Those will always outweigh those few people on the grid who try to tarnish my shine.

But this is about fashion, right? Wanna know how I managed to look so fabulous?

Of course you do!

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Body][Slink][Slink Physique]
[Tattoo][[White Widow]][Altar – Black – Normal]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Hair][TRUTH Hair][Grecia]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Madrid Solo][The Nudes II – Nude #4]
[Eye Makeup][Madrid Solo][Seductress – Soil Umber]
[Romper][Zibska @ The Secret Affair – July][Pallas Romper]
[Shoes][Slipper Originals @ ReVAMPED (opening 7.28)][Marisol V2]
[Arm Cuff][~Soedara~][Upper Arm Bracelet from “Venustas” outfit]
[Inspiration Tune][Sia – Big Girls Cry]

I’ll Only Fly Away…

cynful blog final

 

It has been a really unfortunate day, but that’s okay. I feel like on days like this, one of the best things that you can do is write it down and get it out. And so I’m here with a fabulous new fashion preview for you and a bit of reflection.

It has been a long week. A really, really long week. I have learned several things this week, both about myself and about other people. I’ve learned that I say ‘Yes’ too much, mostly because I’m afraid of disappointing people. I’ve learned that hard work pays off. I’ve learned that good friends are great for those days when you really need a hug, or a shoulder to cry on.

I have accomplished so much lately, and it’s really amazing to see all of that start paying off. I am so excited about what the future holds… But I’ve also learned that sometimes, I need to take a step back and do things for me, too.

I think we should all do that, at least every once in a while.

I found this awesome prop on a sim called ‘Everlong.’ I think it’s one of my new favorite places to take photos. I have a wonderful new sponsor, [Cynful], and I was really excited to find out that I had been chosen as one of their bloggers, and even more excited when I discovered this awesome outfit. The ‘Groovy’ romper and sandals is HUD customizable, so there’s tons of color options. I had trouble deciding which color to choose. This super cute outfit is a release from [Cynful] for the upcoming and absolutely fabulous Vintage Fair, and I love it.

This prop also felt perfect for a song that has been stuck in my head. So of course, I had to share!

I’m feeling much better. It’s been such a hard week, but I am so proud of myself for everything that I have accomplished lately, and so glad I’ve had some good friends by my side to remind me to stick to my guns and not…fly away…when things get difficult.

Thanks. You know who you are.

But you guys… You guys are probably here for the fashion, right? Want the details?

 

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Eyeshadow][Kodaijin Makeup @ ReVAMPED][Green – Muted]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Hair][RunAway][Robin Hair (Browns)]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Zibska @ Uber][Nava Lips #1]
[Teeth][PXL][OpenMouth Pro Basic]
[Nails][Nailed It!][Raw Nostalgia Set – Dusty Rose]
[Jewelry][League][Wanderer Set – Golden Oak]
[Tattoo][White Widow][Altar]
[Outfit][[Cynful Clothing and Co] @ Vintage Fair (link soon)][Groovy Romper and Sandals]
[Inspiration Tune][Nelly Furtado – I’m Like a Bird]

Stop Right Now…

posh pixels blog final.png

 

Today was one of those unfortunate days where I woke up and knew almost instantaneously that I should have stayed in bed… So of course, instead of doing that, I decided to write a blog, because what’s more therapeutic than fashion and writing out your feelings for complete strangers, right?

Since I’ve had a small love affair with Posh Pixels the last couple weeks as I’ve blogged my way through several fabulous events, I decided who else could I possibly bring to you on a day like today, a day when I needed to feel particularly fierce, other than Posh Pixels? What makes the “Bella” outfit even more epic? It’s a complete look! It even comes with the clutch and jewelry shown, and an awesome pair of flats that aren’t pictured because SL was being a brat with my camera angles…

This outfit has a HUD that allows you to mix and match the colors on each part of the outfit. Great, right? I chose red because today has been one of those days where nothing has gone right and everything has been a complete mess. I even spent two hours on the phone rehashing the failings of a relationship which had been over a year in the making, had nearly consumed my entire being in some of the best and the worst ways, and had ended in less than seven months because someone couldn’t take the time to take a breath, stop, and actually listen. It was soul-crushing, and on days like today, when nothing else seems to be working as I planned it and I feel as though it would be safer to wrap myself in bubble wrap than try to walk through my own house, I can’t help but go over that failure in my head, play the blame game with myself, and then hit the ‘stop’ button, rewind, and try and figure out why it is that I’m even bothering to give someone any thought who didn’t bother to give me an inch when I needed him most.

Yes, ladies. One of THOSE days.

But you know what? It’s okay. It’s always going to be okay. I’m always going to be okay, because no matter what the physical world or Second Life decides to throw at me, I have the ability to hit that ‘stop’ button, take a deep breath, and, although it sometimes takes a while, rewind and remind myself that I am worth more than hurtful words and painful misgivings. I have the ability to rise above all of that.

And not only that, but oh man can I look fabulous while I do it!

Details?

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][((=alterego=))][Dionne (Neutre)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Elegant)]
[Nails][-ZOZ-][GL Summer 2015 Slink Appliers]
[Eyes]IKON][Sunrise Eyes (Azure Light)]
[Eyeshadow][Kodaijin Makeup @ ReVAMPED][Yume Ni (Orange – Muted)]
[Lashes][*Mon Cheri*][Falsies – Mesh Lashes]
[Hair][enVOGUE][Chantelle]
[Face][Madrid Solo][Hustle (Blush, Moles, Freckles)]
[Lips][Zibska @ Uber][Nava Lips #2]
[Teeth][PXL][OpenMouth Pro Basic]
[Outfit][Posh Pixels @ .PENUMBRA SS 2016 FW][Bella Outfit – Top, Bottom, Shoes, Jewelry, Clutch]
[Pose][Joplino @ Designer Circle][Lani #2]
[Inspiration Tune][Spice Girls – STOP]

Set Me Free, Leave Me Be…

…So, I guess this is my first official post-that-isn’t-a-reblog of 2016, isn’t it? Heck, if I made another one,  I don’t remember, so we’ll just say it is. It’s been an eventful couple weeks, and I’ve spent most of them sick anyway. If not for the date and time stamp in the corner of my screen, I doubt I’d know what day it is.

Lately, and perhaps especially as I’ve been laying in bed, I’ve been listening to a lot of music. I like songs that I can sing along to, because that’s something that I love to do, and it’s something I used to do often and well. So I’ve been sitting here the last couple weeks trolling Youtube and listening to songs I already have on my computer over and over again, and this one comes up. “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. I’ve heard it a million times, but I started singing along, as I often do, and for some reason, I found myself crying. Sobbing against my pillow.

Nova 3

Why, you ask? Well, I’ve been thinking about something for a while now, and recently, I came to a depressing realization. Over the years, I’ve kind of been a bystander in my own life. Sometimes, I feel as though I am trapped in a box, pounding my little fists and screaming at things I know I can have no effect on as I watch my health deteriorate, friendships die and be reborn. I’m sitting in this box watching myself give up the things I once loved because other people don’t believe in me, or because someone has done something that now causes me to associate that thing I once loved with something negative and terrifying.

Nova 1

It’s somewhat disappointing to look at things and think, “What happened to that girl? What happened to that girl that didn’t care what people thought? That didn’t let other people’s opinions weigh her down? Who is this shy, anxiety-ridden, crippled alien in her place? Why has this happened?”

I thought about that, and I realized a shocking truth: That I have absolutely no answers to any of those questions. I’ve had a bit of an existential crisis for…well… YEARS now. I doubt it’s going to go away anytime soon, but realizations like the one from the other day just bring it to the forefront every time I manage to push it back to the deep, dark recesses of my mind.

Why are we here, if not to do the things that we love, share them with others, and tell the haters to take a hike? And if we’re not doing what we love, if we’re just being bystanders in our own lives, trying to blend in with the wallpaper and constantly bending over to kiss someone else’s backside, well then… What’s the point?

In my opinion, when you suffer a chronic illness, it’s a lot easier to let these questions overtake your mind, especially when your condition isn’t a stagnant one. I am guilty of it. So damn guilty. I was sad because I realized I’ve been a bystander in my own life for far too long. I’ve given up things I loved and let opportunities pass me by and simply been existing for the last several years. I’ve boxed myself in, and I’ve lost so much in doing so.

Nova 2

Well, say it with me, everyone…

Screw that.

It’s a new year, and I think it’s about time I let myself out of the box. I want to be ‘me’ again. I miss that girl, and one day soon, I’d like everyone to meet her.

 

Details?

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][^^Swallow^^][Sabry – Peach]
[Eyes][IKONIKON][Sunrise Eyes – Azure Light]
[Hands][Slink][Av Enhance Female Hands (Elegant)]
[Hair][Truth Hair][Fynn – Light Browns]
[Face][Madrid Solo][“Hustle” Blush, Moles, Freckles]
[Lips][.:JUMO:.][Prestige Lips – Burgundy]
[Eyeshadow][Madrid Solo][Seductress “Soil Umber”]
[Jacket][ColdLogic][Thiessen – Soot]
[Jeans][Delirium Style][Cuffed Jeans – Gray]
[Boots][StormCrow Designs][Ankle Boots (Red) **Boho Couture Fair 2015]
[Necklace][{mon tissu} – CLOSED][Oui Necklace – Silver]
[Wrist Cuff][Wicca’s Wardrobe][Dark Metal Cuffs]
[Inspiration Tune][Sara Bareilles – Gravity]

The Coin Has Two Sides…

22nd Pazzo Style Challenge Face (Novaleigh Freng)

Sorry for huge!face. This photo was taken in-world and is un-edited.

I can see myself catching some hell for this opinion, but here it goes anyway.
The thing about modeling in SL is that everyone has vastly differing opinions. Sometimes I wonder why I do it, especially because there is a lot of criticism involved. I’m legally blind in RL so even in dance, something I’ve been doing for years, I miss things–jumps in animations, prims that don’t sit quite right in sets. For modeling, I’ve learned a few tricks (thanks to Tivi Inglewood and Steele Sirnah) that have helped with some of the issues related to modeling in recent weeks, but I still miss things. I’m always going to.
 
Recently, I participated in a style challenge that I thought I could have a lot of fun with. I even had some items in my inventory from when I took a college class in SL and had to turn Nova into a boy for a week. There were clearly some vastly differing opinions on what the challenge was, but I lived in Japan in high school and was a huge fan of some of the 80s bands (X Japan being the main one… poor Hide) who headlined this particular fashion trend, so I figured, “what the hell?”
 
For this challenge, I did my damnedest to make myself look androgynous. That’s a big point to this particular style. I once showed my little brother a pic of the guys from Dir en Grey. His reaction was, “why are you fawning over a bunch of hot girls?” And then I showed him pics of some of the members outside of the flamboyant costumes. He was mad at me for a week. But I digress. If you’ve followed these bands or this trend outside of googling it on occasion, you’ll see it’s mainly related to the music scene, but has also undergone some changes, and in recent years, some harsh criticism for being too over the top and overshadowing the music. Some bands take it so far as to border on harajuku styling, IMO, but the point of it is that it’s supposed to be fun, and it’s supposed to be an illusion. I went for androgynous instead of flamboyant because I didn’t want to jump from one style straight into another. I wanted to keep the illusion, which to me is part of the fun of this fashion trend. I used street style instead of 80s glam rock style because many of the bands have toned this styling down somewhat, and because I didn’t want to show up to the styling challenge looking exactly like everyone else.
 
Two of the girls were wearing the exact same jacket. Both had boots. Both had fishnet. Okay. So there’s the glam and the flamboyancy in a sense, that this style is often known for, but it’s also more often than not known for its androgyny factor. I didn’t alter my shape for the challenge at all, but I still feel like I accomplished what I set out to accomplish, and I’m proud of that. Here’s the real kicker: I don’t think anyone should have won yesterday. I saw more “punk rock with Asian-inspired hair” than I saw Visual Kei. I didn’t really see Visual Kei at all. I went for the androgyny, yeah. I guess the others went for the flair? But no one really pulled it off. See, this is Visual Kei: 
vk example 1
Aren’t they ~pretty?
But look. Here’s The Gazette. They’re new-ish to the scene, but still not only fall within but consider themselves a Visual Kei band:
vk example 2
Still just… so damn pretty, aren’t they?
Note the differences. The second, and newer-to-the-scene band, is much more subdued in this photo, although sometimes not so much. It boils down to when and where, really. The mask thing has become popular, but in modeling in SL we’re told “omg don’t cover your face! That’s bad.” I have several masks similar to the above, and even a few with teeth and other fun elements, which I didn’t add because I figured I would be chastised for covering my face. I was also chastised for not having a hair base. The hair didn’t have one, and since I’ve been docked before for using another base when using hair that doesn’t provide some kind of base, I again decided against it. Y’all  can see my prims are screwed up in the photo below. I was also docked for having boring poses, and for failing at walking (I lagged out and ended up in the fountain at one point and posed from there–does anyone have a trick for being able to see you avatar from head to TOE without setting the rear camera offset back such that your default view kicks several yards behind you?). Anyway, poses — I’d prepared several, but not enough (I wasn’t aware of how many we’d need). Lesson learned. I’m taking ten with me to every challenge from now on.
22nd Pazzo Style Challenge Body (Novaleigh Freng)
That’s me. My shape didn’t change but I think I pulled it off. IDK though. Maybe the mask would have helped it, but I doubt it.
In any case, I got my scores back, and it seems at least one of the judges understood the direction I took the theme. So that was nice. I’m still proud of what I did. I always tend to go the simpler route with things. First off, if you know me in real life, you’d know that’s just me. Secondly? I don’t see well, so the less tiny prims I have to deal with, the better. I think one might even be screwed up in the above picture.
I don’t usually let things bother me. But you know what? I’m living in a hotel right now. I thank the internet gods every day that I’m even able to access SL as it is. I constantly put myself out there even though I’m battling a crappy connection and some other issues, and nine times out of ten I’m shot down, or told this sucks or that sucks, or I have no idea what I’m doing. The thing is, almost every single time, it results in some kind of learning experience.
I just get so disheartened sometimes. In modeling, you are often told to style your interpretation of x, to be yourself, be unique, but then many don’t see that there are two sides to every coin. It’s like going to a casting that says “casual chic” and being surrounded by people with creatures coming out of their heads and fashion pieces we all know wouldn’t be even remotely feasible in the real world. It’s why we love them in SL of course, but it doesn’t mean everyone should shoot for avant garde, either. And by nature of what it is, most of avant garde isn’t even remotely casual wear. The confusing thing is that is what people seem to expect, so you can’t really be yourself and get ahead. You can be you or you can be what you think they want you to be, and only one of those will get you work, unfortunately. Still, like I said, everything is a learning experience, and I feel like I’m growing on this journey every day. I’ll never be a top model because my prims will never be perfect and no matter how much I alt+click on something, if I can’t see once I hit the arrow key I’m going to screw it up. But I know these things, and I often have a nice laugh about them (or Tivi in my IMs telling me I’ll have a nice laugh about them) later. So in my book I’ll always be a winner.
And that’s why I keep doing this, because despite the negative feedback and the people in the modeling world who probably think I’m just bashing my face against the keyboard at any given moment, I’m still having fun, and I’m still learning. And that’s the point isn’t it? When you get to the point where you think you’ve got nothing left to learn… Well, I hate to tell ya, but you’re wrong.
I’ll be updating this with styling info in the AM. Gotta take pain meds and go back to sleeeep.
Here, have some Gackt to tide you over until I fix the styling info. I forgot how much I love this song. I will be doing a choreo to it, soon. Soooon…
And WP won’t let me embed the video for some reason, so here’s a link to Gackt – Mizerable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bTHhXSpd4U