What’s Real We Have to Scream to See

Go throw your arrows
Hit her heart
If they don’t react,
Love who loves you back…
It’s the perfect storm
What turns you on?
You can have all that
Love who loves you back!

1127blog

There’s no fiction in tonight’s post. Instead, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I think we’ve all been through a time in our life–a break-up, the loss of a friendship we considered important, even an argument with a family member–that has left us torn up on the inside, questioning ourselves, or worse. I think it’s safe to say that we all know, at least in some way, what it feels like to have our hearts broken. I know I do. See, I’ve been through a few relationships that didn’t end well… Usually due to some kind of misunderstanding. Unfortunately, with these people, it has somehow always been my fault.

I know what you’re thinking:

But, Nova! There’s always a reason that these things happen!

Right?

Well, yes and no. See, there IS always a reason that these things happen, but if, like me, your heart gets broken, and you find that you are constantly the one shouldered with the blame, constantly forced to wonder what you did wrong… Sometimes, you come out of that feeling broken and afraid to open yourself back up again. Once you’ve taped those pieces of your broken heart back together, it can be scary as hell opening up to someone else again, especially if you’re led to believe that whatever went wrong was all your fault.

Although I don’t talk about it often, I’ve been struggling with a break-up that happened in SL months ago. After a three-year relationship went about as south as any relationship could go, I was, for lack of a better way of describing it, more guarded than Fort Knox. I then met a man who I realized began to make me laugh again and help me to realize that I wasn’t as bad as she had made me think I was. I wasn’t a screw-up or a failure. I wasn’t broken. Over the next year, I grew closer to him. I stayed up late into the night talking to him, confiding in him, crying on his shoulder when a friend died. And over time, I realized that despite my preference for women, this man, this wonderful man, had helped opened my heart again, and managed to steal it before I even realized it. I was enamored with him. I wanted to talk to him, spend time with him. I wanted to make him proud of me. We took our relationship to the next level, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time, and it was the most amazing feeling.

When it all went to hell (over a misunderstanding), this man whom I had trusted with some of my innermost secrets and fears, this man who knew every heart-breaking and soul-crushing word that was said to me when my last relationship ended, shattered my heart all over again when he took those things and threw them in my face. He knew exactly what to say, and exactly how to say it, to shut me down completely.

What’s worse is that no matter how I’ve tried to move on, no matter what friends have told me, or what I’ve told myself, I still feel locked away. Gun-shy, as though the rug will be pulled out from under me should I dare to open my heart up again.

And that sucks. That’s a lonely, horrible way to go through any life, and it’s not fair. It’s especially not fair to me.

We all deserve to feel special. We all deserve to have someone in our lives who loves us for who we are, who accepts us, faults and all, and cares for us without judgment or prejudice. When you think about it, something like that is… Well, it’s not too much to ask for. At least I don’t think it is. Maybe I’m wrong, as I seem to be told I am so often, but I think that we all deserve that unconditional love–that someone who will come in and smile with us, laugh with us, cry with us with nothing but our best interests at heart.

I’ve spent the last several months learning to love myself all over again, and to accept my own flaws and celebrate my victories. I’ve learned to stand up for myself. I’ve learned that I am worth so much more than hurtful words thrown at me in anger. At the same time, I’ve vowed to never let anyone make me feel like that ever again.

Perhaps I’ve set the bar pretty high now, but I’m sure that eventually, someone will come along who is up for the challenge, and until then, I’ll be okay.

After all:

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
-RuPaul

[Shape][Mine]
[Head][Lelutka][Stella Mesh Head (v1.6)]
[Skin][Glam Affair @ UBER][Misha (Lelutka Applier)]
[Body][Slink][Slink Physique (v2.8)]
[Hands][Slink][AvEnhance Hands (Casual)]
[Lips][Zibska @ Shiny Shabby][Visare Lips]
[Eyeshadow][Zibska @ Shiny Shabby][Voirrey Eye Makeup]
[Tattoo][White Widow][Deepwater (Black)]
[Hair][EnVogue Hair][Milly (Light Reds)]
[Top][[Cynful] Clothing & C0.][Exposed]
[Panties][KJim Apparel**][Booty Bandanas – Slide (MP Link)]
[Pose][from Kalopsia‘s Effie’s Futon][Bed Cuddle #15]
[Location][My House in SL]
[Inspiration Tune][Tokio Hotel – Love Who Loves You Back]

**Note: KJim Apparel’s in-world location is raising money for the amazing Toys 4 Tots program, which helps to provide an amazing Christmas to children across the country who otherwise wouldn’t have one. While I got the booty bandanas on the Marketplace, I wanted to include a link to KJim’s in-world store. Please feel free to stop by, check out her in-world offerings, and help make a difference in a child’s life this Christmas. ❤

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