Set Me Free, Leave Me Be…

…So, I guess this is my first official post-that-isn’t-a-reblog of 2016, isn’t it? Heck, if I made another one,  I don’t remember, so we’ll just say it is. It’s been an eventful couple weeks, and I’ve spent most of them sick anyway. If not for the date and time stamp in the corner of my screen, I doubt I’d know what day it is.

Lately, and perhaps especially as I’ve been laying in bed, I’ve been listening to a lot of music. I like songs that I can sing along to, because that’s something that I love to do, and it’s something I used to do often and well. So I’ve been sitting here the last couple weeks trolling Youtube and listening to songs I already have on my computer over and over again, and this one comes up. “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles. I’ve heard it a million times, but I started singing along, as I often do, and for some reason, I found myself crying. Sobbing against my pillow.

Nova 3

Why, you ask? Well, I’ve been thinking about something for a while now, and recently, I came to a depressing realization. Over the years, I’ve kind of been a bystander in my own life. Sometimes, I feel as though I am trapped in a box, pounding my little fists and screaming at things I know I can have no effect on as I watch my health deteriorate, friendships die and be reborn. I’m sitting in this box watching myself give up the things I once loved because other people don’t believe in me, or because someone has done something that now causes me to associate that thing I once loved with something negative and terrifying.

Nova 1

It’s somewhat disappointing to look at things and think, “What happened to that girl? What happened to that girl that didn’t care what people thought? That didn’t let other people’s opinions weigh her down? Who is this shy, anxiety-ridden, crippled alien in her place? Why has this happened?”

I thought about that, and I realized a shocking truth: That I have absolutely no answers to any of those questions. I’ve had a bit of an existential crisis for…well… YEARS now. I doubt it’s going to go away anytime soon, but realizations like the one from the other day just bring it to the forefront every time I manage to push it back to the deep, dark recesses of my mind.

Why are we here, if not to do the things that we love, share them with others, and tell the haters to take a hike? And if we’re not doing what we love, if we’re just being bystanders in our own lives, trying to blend in with the wallpaper and constantly bending over to kiss someone else’s backside, well then… What’s the point?

In my opinion, when you suffer a chronic illness, it’s a lot easier to let these questions overtake your mind, especially when your condition isn’t a stagnant one. I am guilty of it. So damn guilty. I was sad because I realized I’ve been a bystander in my own life for far too long. I’ve given up things I loved and let opportunities pass me by and simply been existing for the last several years. I’ve boxed myself in, and I’ve lost so much in doing so.

Nova 2

Well, say it with me, everyone…

Screw that.

It’s a new year, and I think it’s about time I let myself out of the box. I want to be ‘me’ again. I miss that girl, and one day soon, I’d like everyone to meet her.

 

Details?

[Shape][Mine]
[Skin][^^Swallow^^][Sabry – Peach]
[Eyes][IKONIKON][Sunrise Eyes – Azure Light]
[Hands][Slink][Av Enhance Female Hands (Elegant)]
[Hair][Truth Hair][Fynn – Light Browns]
[Face][Madrid Solo][“Hustle” Blush, Moles, Freckles]
[Lips][.:JUMO:.][Prestige Lips – Burgundy]
[Eyeshadow][Madrid Solo][Seductress “Soil Umber”]
[Jacket][ColdLogic][Thiessen – Soot]
[Jeans][Delirium Style][Cuffed Jeans – Gray]
[Boots][StormCrow Designs][Ankle Boots (Red) **Boho Couture Fair 2015]
[Necklace][{mon tissu} – CLOSED][Oui Necklace – Silver]
[Wrist Cuff][Wicca’s Wardrobe][Dark Metal Cuffs]
[Inspiration Tune][Sara Bareilles – Gravity]

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