I Like to Think I’m Usually Pretty Nice…

Hey everyone. So it’s been quite a while since I posted on here, and quite a while since I’ve logged into SL. You will notice that this post comes with no pretty pictures.

I’m dealing with some medical stuff and thought I’d have a bit of a better internet connection before now, but that hasn’t happened. The funny thing is, I mentioned quite a few times to many of my friends in the fashion world in SL that I wasn’t doing well and that I’d be making this trip. I don’t think I’ve logged into SL but maybe once for a few minutes since early April, when things were getting bad. I don’t know how many times I had these conversations. I am not the kind of person to dance around things. If things aren’t going well, if I’m not doing well, I tell people.

WHY do I do this, you ask?

I do this because I am a person who has been in SL since practically its inception. Novaleigh is not my original account. My original account, made circa 2006, was deleted some time ago. ANYWAY, I’ve always been a pretty busy person. Those of you who know me best know that as a disabled individual, I usually spend quite a bit of time on SL because hey, it keeps me busy, I love some of my friends there, and frankly, real life has really sucked the last couple years as I’ve watched my mother struggle out of an abusive relationship, my leg function deteriorate, my eyes get worse, my body go on a complete revolution… I’m pretty honest about this. I tell anyone who asks. I don’t care who knows about my medical issues. I deal with them every day and if you deal with me it’s likely you’ll hear something about them at some point anyway.

I first became interested in fashion in SL because a friend of mine who was very involved helped to stoke my interests. Soon, I found that it was a lot of fun. Wonderful, even. I can dress Nova in things that I’d never be able to wear in real life. Right now, I can’t even wear flat-footed sandals, much less heels. The muscles in the bottoms of my legs are weak and there is no mass to them. Since they look “funny” and I walk with a limp, I cover them up. No skirts. No shorts. Know why? Because at almost 28 years old I’ve learned that adults are more dickish than any childhood bully I ever dealt with.

Fashion in SL is an escape from all that, though. SL in general is an escape from all that, really. Nova doesn’t have palsy. Hell, she regularly struts around in 3-5 inch heels and short little skirts. She doesn’t wear glasses or clunky plastic braces on her legs, and Nova is involved in so much. I am involved in so much, because in many ways, after this long, Nova is nothing more than an extension of myself, trying to use SL to experience the things that I am not physically able to do in real life. I dance so much because I can barely walk straight in real life, much less dance. I model because it’s something I will never get to do. I am involved in so much in SL because I can’t hold a job in real life for more than a few months without causing myself serious injury.

I’m facing the third reconstructive surgery on my left leg because I tore ligaments in my ankle walking to the library to check my email and post an update to facebook.

You know what I’ve figured out? It’s funny. It’s really is. I haven’t been online (on SL) since sometime in early April apart from one log in for a few minutes. I told everyone that I’d be going, that I’d check in when I could, that I probably wouldn’t have access to SL for a while. I’m at my mother’s Deacon’s house right now. The download speed on their internet is 2mb. The upload speed doesn’t even register on the speed test. We’ll be leaving here in a few days, and I’ll have better internet, and then we’ll be heading up to Indy so that I can face the music and let the docs tinker with my leg muscles again.

What really bothers me is that most of my awesome new “friends” in the fashion community were the first to really throw me under a bus after I left. Oh, Nova’s gone. Let’s boot her. Nova’s gone, so let’s leave impolite messages on her facebook every few days about how much she hasn’t been involved and how much she’s dropping the ball even though she hasn’t been online in over a month. Thanks, guys. Thanks. Because it’s not like I didn’t tell you I’d be gone. And it’s not like most of you didn’t know my health was on the decline before I ever mentioned I would be leaving for a while. I’ve never hidden anything about my health issues. Hell, it’s even on Facebook, because as I said, I could care less who knows.

So I guess I’ll be talking to a friend of mine about maybe meeting some new people when I return.

You know what’s even more funny? Some of you in the fashion world seem to have a serious issue with those of us who are involved in both the world of Gor on SL and in fashion. I noticed this because I have been told several times to hide groups relating to Gor, to change my profile. I even did it, because I was told I would be denied jobs and lose respect in the community. You know what’s funny? What I find so funny? Those people… the ones some of you think are so bad? They have been some of the only people to speak to me or give a damn. I haven’t been booted from any of the dancer’s groups, even though I danced every weekend and had to stop while I’ve been down here. I haven’t been booted from the radio station I went on hiatus from, or any of the land groups. I’ve received messages of encouragement and “hope you’ll be back soon!” Not “You left and your performance isn’t up to par and you failed at this and this and this…”

Of course I did. I haven’t been online. And ya know, it’s not cool when you know someone hasn’t been around and when you know they can’t reply to send messages in world or to facebook about all the ways someone has let you down and how awful it is for you. You know what the solution would have been instead of sending me messages you knew I wouldn’t be able to read for a while? Find someone else. There is no reason, when someone is going through a hard time, to rub salt in their wounds and treat them like they are a horrible person. No reason at all.

Personally, it just makes me feel like shit. I guess I should say I was warned about certain people within certain communities who would expect that my real life is somehow less important than SL, but I guess that didn’t compute to me until I spent some time away and went through my messages.

Shame on some of you, and you know who you are. I’ll be seeking out some new friends in the community when I return.

I would however like to say a huge thank you to my SL dance family at Winds of the Sahara Cabaret and the Paramount Theatre, my Gorean “family” and friends, and the few of you on my friends list in the fashion world who didn’t automatically assume I was a piece of shit while I’ve been on this break.

Sorry about the rant. I like to think I’m usually pretty nice, but after some of the messages I’ve received since I took my break, I’ve been HOPING for an internet connection, even as weak as this one, to speak my mind about it all. Here’s to hoping it posts properly. If you’ve got a problem with it, sorry, but I’m not sorry. Everyone has been speaking their minds to me, so I feel like I should get my turn.

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